I joked at church today that if you choose your spouse right, you will spend the rest of your life wondering what secret flaw they have that caused them to settle for you.
I think my grandpa told mom the wisest thing I've ever heard about marriage, that "when you get married, that IS the right one." If this makes you scared, hopefully that will motivate you to pick well.
Yeah, no, I must say, I think this is one of the biggest mistakes in modern thinking. We treat marriage like we treat shopping... that if only I buy the right product, after months of reading consumer reports, then I will be happy, I will have 'chosen well'.
I think the truth lies in the opposite direction. The real hard work of marriage starts after you have married. Whether you are a princess in an arranged marriage, or part of a couple that went too far one night, or married after agonising years of dating... what matters is what you do then.
Not that you can't be an idiot, with consequences, before you get married. But if you think you can blame your failures in marriage because 'I married the wrong girl', you have the wrong idea.
I tend to agree with that. I grew up hearing some version of a quote that, paraphrased, posited that "Any two people who base there marriage on Christian principles (love, forgiveness, family, loyalty, fidelity, etc.) can make it work." I tend to think that tends to be accurate. The key is choosing someone with the same view of the commitment, of marriage, core values, etc. After that, some may be better fits than others, but you have locked yourself in, and you are going to have to work through it together. Some people are just more on board and open to that openness and willing to work together than others. Choosing someone who is strikes me as a wiser choice.
And the last thing I would say is, “Just go and grab someone off the street'“. Ok, no, that is not the last thing I would say. The last thing I would say is, “Be so paralysed by the danger of a bad choice that you don’t get married.”
But there is way too much moaning “Oh, my marriage is bad because I picked the wrong person” or “My marriage is wonderful because I picked the right person” (a statement I have seen a couple of years before the first statement for the same marriage).
I think my grandpa told mom the wisest thing I've ever heard about marriage, that "when you get married, that IS the right one." If this makes you scared, hopefully that will motivate you to pick well.
Yeah, no, I must say, I think this is one of the biggest mistakes in modern thinking. We treat marriage like we treat shopping... that if only I buy the right product, after months of reading consumer reports, then I will be happy, I will have 'chosen well'.
I think the truth lies in the opposite direction. The real hard work of marriage starts after you have married. Whether you are a princess in an arranged marriage, or part of a couple that went too far one night, or married after agonising years of dating... what matters is what you do then.
Not that you can't be an idiot, with consequences, before you get married. But if you think you can blame your failures in marriage because 'I married the wrong girl', you have the wrong idea.
I tend to agree with that. I grew up hearing some version of a quote that, paraphrased, posited that "Any two people who base there marriage on Christian principles (love, forgiveness, family, loyalty, fidelity, etc.) can make it work." I tend to think that tends to be accurate. The key is choosing someone with the same view of the commitment, of marriage, core values, etc. After that, some may be better fits than others, but you have locked yourself in, and you are going to have to work through it together. Some people are just more on board and open to that openness and willing to work together than others. Choosing someone who is strikes me as a wiser choice.
And the last thing I would say is, “Just go and grab someone off the street'“. Ok, no, that is not the last thing I would say. The last thing I would say is, “Be so paralysed by the danger of a bad choice that you don’t get married.”
But there is way too much moaning “Oh, my marriage is bad because I picked the wrong person” or “My marriage is wonderful because I picked the right person” (a statement I have seen a couple of years before the first statement for the same marriage).