Finding your way through life

Life is a long journey, or at least we hope so. It has twists and turns, peaks and valleys, all of which make it unique to you. No one else can decide how you should choose to make your way through it, but no one else is going to have to walk the path you choose.

I like to think of life as a forest, with a happy meaningful life as the end destination on the other side. There are almost unlimited ways to cross it. Any individual can set out, and start hacking, clawing their way through trees and bushes, around, and over boulders. Eventually, said person may arrive at their destination, but they may be pretty beat up by the time they get there. Scratched, bruised, tired and sweaty.

There is a path, and it is well marked. Because so many people have taken this path before, it has become very wide, and is not hard to follow. There are guideposts and signs along the way, along with clearly defined landmarks telling you that you are headed in the right direction. These include education (whether a trade, college, or self-taught skills), marriage, a career, children and building a stable community. With so many other people recognizing and following this path, you will have many co-travelers who can help when you hit a rough spot.

There is a non-obvious risk in this, which is that without thinking too much, or realizing what is happening, you may find yourself in a Talking Heads song.

And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself, "Well, how did I get here?"
-Once in a Lifetime

Follow life’s path on autopilot and you may find yourself looking back unsure how you got to your current spot. There was no intention, just taking steps laid out by other people. I suspect this is what leads to some people having a so-called mid-life crisis; suddenly “waking up” and realizing there had been no intentional choices, just autopilot, must be terrifying. You are unlikely to get lost, but you may realize you have lacked adventure.

If you opt to make your own way forward, you will have plenty of adventures and stories. You will probably cross paths with some others, but they may be heading backwards, or sideways, and they are just as unlikely as you to know where you’re headed. Getting lost is not hard to accomplish in a dark forest with no trail, although assuming you find your way back, it may be a great story.

Does this mean that everyone should take the same path or avoid it all together? No, not at all. Some people are very obviously just predisposed to be a trailblazer, setting out on their own for adventure and the sense that they are totally free to choose where they are going. The stereotype of the tortured artist was not just made up; it describes a real phenomenon that people observed. Kurt Cobain was probably never going to be content settling down and living a quiet suburban life. I suspect Sylvia Plath may have done better not trying to force herself onto the basic path.

In fact, one might say that the entire 1960’s counter culture was an attempt to break out from a funnel that people felt was forcing them into the path that had been the standard for their parents’ generation. An entire generation fought against the need to live in “little houses made of ticky tacky” and work at corporate jobs. Women fought against their only path being 3-4 kids and a well-kept house for their husbands. For the most part, they won.

To read the above, you may miss out on an irony. Due to the fact that the path was still so clear-cut, once they fought against it, many of these same people jumped back on the path and continued living their life following the map laid out. It is fine to rail against corporate culture in your 20’s, as long as you can go get a good job there in your 30’s. It is fine to say that marriage and kids should not be required, as long as you know there are plenty of chances to get married and have kids, because it is still so widely practiced that options abound.

This may not be the case at our current moment. So many people have abandoned the well-marked path that it seems to have fallen in disrepair, with the signs and landmarks getting harder to see. The forest is creeping back in at the edges.

Some of you kids may immediately decide to take the well-marked path. Others may opt to set out on your own. It is really up to each of you how you will proceed.  You should know the risks and benefits of each. Out of my siblings, we ended up with examples of each. Your oldest uncle took the path, from the beginning. He is not big on adventure, and craves stability. Your youngest uncle has opted to make his own way in many senses. He has never cared for feeling boxed in. I split the difference. I have opted off the path for portions, while generally keeping it in sight. The older I get, the more I opt to stay on the path, because the risk of jumping off seems much higher with kids and a mortgage.

Whatever you choose, make sure you have people you can go to that have taken a similar path to you; we never know when we might need someone to shine a light and help guide us. My closing advice? If you stay on the path, stay close enough to the edge to have some excitement. If you set into the woods, do not go so far out that you cannot find the path if needed. Good luck!

Love,
Dad