I joked at church today that if you choose your spouse right, you will spend the rest of your life wondering what secret flaw they have that caused them to settle for you. The person I was chatting with was in agreement, and neither of us knew how we managed to punch far above our weight.
You will notice that “well” is not some objective measurement. There are obviously certain qualities that serve a marriage well, patience, a sense of humor, a willingness to forgive, an open personality and an effective communication style. Each person will prioritize differently, based on what complements their own personalities, communication style and needs. A sense of humor is crucial for me, I struggle to not crack inappropriate jokes for the context, and I find basic human functions far too amusing for a man my age. A loud toot, by me, a child, or anyone else will still crack me up.
I also need someone who is softer, as I tend to be a bit blunt and straightforward. If I were a more passive, accommodating individual, I might have paired better with a stronger, more forceful person. Complimentary traits help, and hopefully the two of you will rub off on each other. Your Mother has smoothed some rough edges of mine. I have helped her be more straightforward in speaking up for her own needs, wants and boundaries. It is a dance, a give and take, and both should be made better, more whole.
The openness to learn from and grow with each other counts for a lot, as I am reminded of tonight. As I write this, I am stalling packing to leave town for the next five days for work. That means that for the next five days, I am trusting your Mother to take care of the four most important people in my life: the three of you, and Mom, obviously. She has to be Mom and Dad, and manage the entire house, including dogs, chickens, kids, meals, etc. alone.
That, right there, is the reason marrying well is so crucial. When you marry, you are tying yourself to the only other individual who will take complete responsibility for raising and teaching your children. You may be thinking, “half, there are two of you.” Yes, but each gives their best effort, putting their all into it, at least if they are doing it right. And life happens; trips occur, accidents befall people, things come up, we just never know what the future holds. We can be certain, however, that neither of us will be present all the time.
When selecting a spouse, you should be looking for someone that you have complete confidence in when it comes to rearing, teaching and guiding your children. That means they must share your core values, not crack under pressure, and be able to learn from mistakes and successes, both theirs and yours.
This week will be hard on just about everyone involved. Mom’s patience will be tried, I always struggle to be away from home, and each of you will end up making sacrifices: less attention, fewer stories, no wrestling. One thing that makes it easier for me is that I have no doubt in my mind that your Mother is up to it, that she is capable, even when overwhelmed, of keeping it together. She has taught me plenty about life and parenting, but she has also learned. If the situation calls for it, she can channel a determination flirting with stubbornness that she may have picked up from me. She holds her line very effectively at this point. Sometimes that irks me, I can miss the days when it was easier to persuade her.
Also, she has two huge dogs to help keep the house safe, and, fun fact, your Mom is a very good shot. That gives some peace of mind.
I will miss you all terribly, I always do. I will not, however, have any concern that you will not be taken care of. You are being left in the hands of the person I trust most of all. After all, I chose her, and I have impeccable taste.
Love,
Dad
I think my grandpa told mom the wisest thing I've ever heard about marriage, that "when you get married, that IS the right one." If this makes you scared, hopefully that will motivate you to pick well.
Yeah, no, I must say, I think this is one of the biggest mistakes in modern thinking. We treat marriage like we treat shopping... that if only I buy the right product, after months of reading consumer reports, then I will be happy, I will have 'chosen well'.
I think the truth lies in the opposite direction. The real hard work of marriage starts after you have married. Whether you are a princess in an arranged marriage, or part of a couple that went too far one night, or married after agonising years of dating... what matters is what you do then.
Not that you can't be an idiot, with consequences, before you get married. But if you think you can blame your failures in marriage because 'I married the wrong girl', you have the wrong idea.