Lying is always an option, as long as you are OK with self-loathing or worse
As I said last time, lying is to relationships as swallowing arsenic is to longevity. You can believe that, or not, but you can be sure I am not lying to you about it. It is your choice what to do with that information, and it truly is a choice. Dishonesty is always an option available to you, but it comes at an immense personal cost. Instead of focusing on the external repercussions of deception, I would like to focus completely inward, with no thought to what others may think of you when you are found being untruthful, and believe me, you will be found out.
When an individual lies, one of two things happens: either they accept they are not being truthful, or they themselves believe the lie. The ordering of those two potential outcomes is not accidental. I have no way to prove this, but I suspect every person starts out knowing they are lying, but with enough time and repetition, many forget that important fact and begin to believe their own lies. I think this naturally occurs to try to resolve cognitive dissonance.
Most people think of themselves as good people. Most people, across cultures and time, also consider lying to be bad (see all major philosophies, religions, etc.). This creates a problem of cognitive dissonance when you lie, because these two things are in direct conflict. At the point in time where lying becomes a habit, that cognitive dissonance becomes too powerful, and one side has to win. Generally, actions are more concrete than abstract thoughts, and you will begin to assume that instead of a good person, you are a liar.
I have had this experience, and it was hell. During my time at college, I had the option of being honest, or mostly keeping my mouth shut. Occasionally, I would be required to lie to protect my ability to stay in school, but for the most part, it was just smiling and letting people assume things that were not true. Before anyone starts thinking this was on academic issues, cheating, or anything like that, I should clarify. I went to a religious college, but during my time there, I stopped believing in that religion specifically, and religious organizations overall. The university was open to individuals who were not of their faith, but if you went as a practicing member, you were required to stay in. Anything less than active participation and belief would be possible grounds for expulsion. Unfortunately, many of the courses did not transfer to the state schools I looked into going to, so I would have been set back almost a full year of college. I surveyed the landscape, weighed my options, and lied. I pretended I believed it all, and on the occasion when a church leader would ask why I hadn’t been at church, I would say that I had been ill, or perhaps at a (non-existent) girlfriend’s congregation. I mean, if I was already lying about going to church, I may as well get a girlfriend out of it.
At first, this did not bother me a whole lot; I felt it was a small price to pay for the 18 months or so remaining until graduation. With each lie, whether it actively came out of my mouth or was a lie of omission, the internal conflict became stronger. I believed, and still do, that lying is wrong, and not something that should be done, and I began to question whether I was actually a decent person. As time went on, I became to believe that I must suffer from some fatal character flaw, because I was lying continually, even though I knew it to be wrong. By the time I graduated, I was self-loathing, and drank more than I should to try quiet the conflicting voices in my head. Upon obtaining this freedom to speak the truth, I realized I had been free, but had imprisoned myself through fear. I told myself that I would not lie in the future, even if telling the truth would have negative consequences for me. I have stuck with that, and so far, it has not hurt me.
I tend to think I am pretty average and normal, and thus, if I respond a certain way to something, I assume many other people will as well. I believe many other people also suffer internally when they are actively being dishonest. Many, but not all. Some, in an effort to end the dissonance, choose to believe they are not lying.
Individuals who choose this path begin to believe their own lies. They repeat them so frequently that they forget the truth and accept the lies as fact. While this protects them from the cognitive dissonance, or from having to accept the fact that maybe they are not as morally superior as they believe, but it leaves them vulnerable to losing touch with reality. When you meet an individual like this, you might have terms like “compulsive liar” or “out of touch” come to mind. It quickly becomes clear to everyone around them that there is something off about them, and everyone around either shuts down or throws up walls. Repeated long enough, and a person on this path will eventually completely lose touch with reality, believing themselves to be targeted, or a victim. How could it be any other way? If you have believe your own lies, but the rest of the world is responding to fact, you will come to believe there is some conspiracy to gas light you, or undermine what you know to be true. There is no chance that this leads to positive outcomes. A person may avoid the worst consequences for a time, but reality will always catch up and win.
To repeat what I said last time, lying is a poison. It poisons your relationships, but it also poisons your own mind. The only cure is honesty, but the longer you have lied, the harder it is to come clean, and the more damage control will be required. It is easier to simply avoid this poison like the life destroying plague that it is. There will come moments in your life when you will have to choose whether to outright lie, not offer full information, or tell the truth; both to yourself and to others. That choice will always remain with you, and you alone, however the consequences of your decision will not. Choose honesty, the price of lying is much too high.
Love,
Dad