Forgive often and easily, not for them, but for yourself
Forgive and forget is not real. Forgive and be grateful for the experience.
Throughout life, you will be wronged, and you will wrong others. This is a certainty as much as gravity, the sun rising in the east, or modern politicians lying; which is to say, if it has stopped, then so has human existence. High-minded notions of “doing what is right” or “treating others with kindness and respect” are great, but perfection is not possible, and everyone will fall short of those ideals. When someone else causes you pain, whether through accident, neglect, cruelty or malice, forgive them. Every single time.
You may be thinking, “But they do not deserve my forgiveness,” and you might be right. Perhaps they harmed you intentionally, and show no remorse. A person might be justified in not forgiving someone like this, an individual clearly unrepentant and in the wrong. That may be the case, but I ask you, “Do you think not forgiving affects that person at all?” The type of person who intentionally hurts another and feels no shame, guilt or regret will be wholly unaffected by you not forgiving them; however, you will be dragged down by it. You will carry around the weight of anger, resentment, ill will or hatred, and it will weigh on your mind and on your heart, spreading like a venom.
For those who show remorse, who apologize, try to make amends or make it right, and to correct their error, your forgiveness is still not for them. They may feel relief, as though they have been freed from a burden, but I suspect the burden that falls off them is nothing to the one that will fall off you.
To illustrate my point, I will go at this from both sides, the perpetrator and the victim, as it were.
When I was in my mid-to-late twenties, I went to a party with a few friends. My friends and I started the night having drinks at our local dive bar, and then hopped on the train to the party. Upon arriving, I realized a large number of people I had not seen since high school were at the event. Most of them were acquaintances or friends-of-friends that I had not seen in almost a decade, and I was generally excited, albeit inebriated. Upon running into a guy who graduated a few years before I did, I made a joke that was inappropriate, offensive and that I should not have made. He was clearly upset and offended. I immediately recognized I had made a huge mistake, and I felt terrible. I did not see him again, and quite honestly, would not be shocked if he immediately left; what I said was that hurtful.
Approximately half a decade later, I ran into that individual again, seeing him across a large plaza in our town. I immediately yelled his name, weaving through people to get to him, and I offered a sincere apology. I do not recall what exactly I said, but will venture a guess that it was something along the lines of “Hey name. I do not know if you recall that party at so and so’s house a long time ago, but I would like to apologize. I said something that, while I intended it as a joke, clearly was not received as one; most likely because it was in bad taste, offensive, and I was pretty drunk. I am not making excuses, it was wrong, and I should not have done it. I just want to tell you I have thought about it often, and I feel terrible I did it. I am sorry, I did not mean to cause harm, and I hope you are doing well.” He informed me he did recall it, he was offended, and that he forgave me. He expressed that he hoped I had learned from it and not repeated the mistake, and then thanked me for going out of my way to apologize. We wished each other well, and that was that.
He forgave me a half decade ago, and I still feel bad about it. I feel embarrassment that I was drunk enough to think it was a good idea. I feel guilt that he was left to deal with the emotional ramifications of what I said. I just feel, well, awful about it. I hope he does not still dwell on it, or suffer because of it, but I cannot know if it still affects him, and that still weighs on me. Even though he told me I was forgiven, I still have it in my mind, and worry. I believe we hold on to things like this to help us not repeat mistakes, a painful reminder to really internalize the lesson. That is what I choose to think, but who knows, I may be totally mistaken.
Every coin has two sides. Years back, a person whom I love and trust completely betrayed that trust in a brutal way. This was not a friend of a friend, or a distant relative, but one of those people in your life that should never intentionally cause you pain like this; but they did. They lied to me, and then lied about their falsehoods, propping them up against each other like a house of cards. Predictably, that house of cards came crashing down, as these things always do, and I was devastated. I felt like I had been punched in the gut, unable to breathe or process, and I was sure I was completely alone. I was in a very dark place emotionally and mentally.
Had I chosen to, I could have tossed that person out of my life, and I feel that would have been fully justified. I did not. With time, a lot of terrible conversations, anger, tears, pain, mourning and asking “Why?” over and over again without receiving any answer that satisfied my need to understand or helped me feel better, I forgave them. Through the process, I learned a lot about myself and what I am capable of, both good and bad. I learned that I have a capacity for more anger than I would have guessed, and that my mind is capable of some very dark places; ones I never knew I could produce prior to this. I also learned that I am capable of moving on and healing, even when a wound is deeper than I thought I could survive. I learned that I am stronger and more able to forgive than I ever suspected I would be.
Had I walked away, I would still have that darkness and anger, the feelings of betrayal, and that would be where my mind lives now. Instead, I had the chance to see an abyss, and then come back and enjoy living in a state of love, peace and acceptance. The person who hurt me, not through accident or ignorance, but through their willful decisions and deceptions, is still one of the ten most important people in my life; I trust and love them more now than I did before. Our relationship is deeper, more honest, and more rewarding than it had been; and I would gladly do anything to help or protect them.
All of the above is true, and I am sure that they agree with my assessment that our current relationship is stronger than ever. However, they still agonize over what they did, it still causes them pain. They cannot undo their actions, and they cannot forget the pain it caused me. They are a better person, having learned from their mistakes, but it was a hard-earned lesson that left its scars. Forgiveness might have alleviated some of their suffering, but it eliminated mine entirely and left me better than I was.
Forgiveness heals. It removes the poisonous venoms that are hate and anger. It is a gift, both to the giver and the receiver. But make no mistake, forgiving others is always going to benefit you more than the other person. Do not withhold that gift from yourself, you are the only one that will be dragged down or uplifted by your choice.
Love,
Dad